Monday, September 08, 2003




~*Morning Ponderings*~

i'm really not sure i can do this again... i mean to say, i'm not sure that i can emotionally handle Ghostie's arrival and then, just as seemingly quick, his departure as well...

He will havvvvvve to go back to the UK, that's inevitable...

i'm beginning to think that TCC had been right..i stay within LDR's as a protective measure of some sort...yet the truth is i hate them!!!

Ghostie says that he intends to knock down the barriers that i have built with a sledge hammer, but the closer to his arrival that we get, the more i find myself gaurding against falling once more...

to a fault...

self destruction at its finest hour???

Some so called Dom pages me on the "Q" and i respond... then again whyyyyyyy did i respond? simple enough... he was asking a simple question... of course it took little time at all for him to also be asking very intrusive questions...to which i wished him well and logged off...

it's a double edge sword i'm playing with these days... at work when a customer appears to be interested in me, i can pass it off playfully and they still return every now and then hopeful i might actually take them up on an offer to go here or do this...and when Mr Virginia last contacted me wishing me to call on him so that we might "discuss" further my reasons for not having been in contact...welllll that was easy enough toooo... i simply never replied...

what is NOT so easy for me to face up to is that in spite of the fact that i might wish for and desire to truly be "Ghosties girl", in all reality things may not work out that way...

there are always underlying circumstances to the bonding of any two people...for me and Galahad the one thing that had held us back was of course...as Galahad so bluntly had put it "lets face it moonie, "xxxx" could never live here"

Ghostie has a similiar situation he now faces, one for which it is not my place nor my desire to go in depth on in this journal, except to say that someone very close to him has been ill for sometime now, and that person needs him now just as much as i might long to have him in my life as well...

Ghostie says that i am not to worry myself with what he chooses to do at this point, and i know he will do what is right for us all, but selfishly i continue to ponder all of the possibilities and the what if's, and even more selfishly, i build the barriers up to protect myself from another fall.


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