Sunday, September 28, 2003




~*Breathing*~

Ghostie had said that this morning felt very odd... not waking up to be online with each other... it did feel a bit differently, but strangely enough, i feel all that much more closer to him...i can't explain how i feel his presense with me always, however i think i feel it even moreso today than i ever have before...

perhaps it is that i have been spending time doing as he would have me to be doing, visiting with friends in the crib, running an occasional tournament (i'll be doing another this evening as well..."B" is allowing me the Sunday Teams Tourney and even made a special page for me...ironically the theme (for which i swearrrrr i did NOT choose) this evening is "Angelicalisticals Lil Fish Bowl"...and it's being held in the kittens food bowl! i just hopes there's no Goldfish...and if there is well...i'll for one be praying they turn belly up longg before they ever dream of making it to the final round

nough said on that...

Everton won 4-0 over Leeds... Wolverines alllllllllllmost had their first premiership win... tough breaks for Ghostie, butssss on the bright side? Miller did do my fantasy footy team a turn...

Daddy came for a visit and helped with getting the mirror posted up on the new (antique) dresser...for which he has now determined was made somewhere between 1915 and 1920... i had been thinking seriously of simply painting it into a white wash, adding some purple to the trim work and detailing it with a bit of ivy trellace along the mirror...

no can do though...sozzz back to plan one...refinishing

aside from visiting with daddy and friends in the crib...i met "M" today...

oyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

his first words to me went something along the lines of "backgammon, crib, anddddd a subbie...what a prize!"

quickly tried to scan a profile on him as well, but alas there was none...great! no idea if im talking to a Dom, sub, or self proclaimed, wanna be, HNG...

(did i mention he says he's a teacher?)

needless to say when Ghostie and i had spoken this evening i was quick to remember to bring up the fact that i had spoken to this "M" person...last think i want is for "M" to be showing up in crib telling Ghostie of my antics (yes, i was a bit of a sammy...purposely... and hopefully "M" understands) at any rate after the few moments for which we had talked a bit i came to the conclussion that perhaps he isn't blowing smoke up my arse end and is one of the few who perhaps just might be for real...

soz i did as was told and he is now added to my lil list...

funny thing that is really...

Ghostie and i talked a bit about my "inhibitions and nervousness" of speaking to newbies online...or well...of speaking to people for whom i do not know...strangers...etc...

i had really shelled up from talking to anyone new at all...lessons learned quite well for all had learned in former relationships...

in fact Ghostie and i might not have ever opened up and began to reallly talk if it hadn't been for the fact i had already met him prior to the heartache of Paris...

today when Ghostie and i talked about it a bit, i made a statement for which now i knowwww is the real reason why i am not so fearful anymore...

Ghostie and my relationship isnt based on lies, or on the words of another...we're pretty dayumed solid...welps...as solid as can be expected for not having met anyhows...communication between each other holds no bars...no secrets... no concealment...

thats alot more than i can say i've managed with anyone else in my passed...and that was just on my part!

up until 2002 i had lived 2 seperate lives really...vanilla...and then again....vanilla with a twist...

this year they reallllly met up...that is...i'm embracing both parts of me...

and being true to yourself really is the only way you can ever be true to another...at least...thats the lesson i'm learning anyhow

one thing Ghostie knows for certain about me is that when the tough really gets going i tend to scream out for someone else to take control...i cannnnnnn do it, buts i'm not that good at it really, and asking me to be strong when the going gets tough...wellll, thats like asking ice not to melt in a pit of a flaming inferno

i wrote alot in that other journal today...it helped...alot...just to remember a time and a place when i really knew my place and there was no question of what was expected, required and desired...

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