Monday, September 01, 2003




~*another lil pondering of thoughts*~

i once tells lil miss Vodka that if things not works out for me and Ghostie it gonna all be on accounts of "me"... and i have to admit i really do feel that way... Ghostie and i have known of each other since Galahad first introduced me to Woogies back in November of last year... i was always a bit standoffish around him because wellll...to be honest i wasssssss Galahads girl at the time and yet i still felt like there was this strange (weeeeeird) sort of an attractions to him... sooooo NOT right...

soz i kepts to myself for the most part back then, just playing the tournies when Galahad was nearby and i could feel safe from myself...my thoughts ...my actions... i didn't speak up like most of the girlies, i was rather "painfully shy" as Pretti would so often have said...after all, Woogies was a whole new ball game for me, pure and straight vanilla through and through (with a minor exception here and there perhaps but i was sooooooooo not going to step out and see who was who!)

it was difficult to adapt to...i'm still not quite sure exactly how i've managed to step out of my shell quite the way i have...perhaps because i've managed to push so much aside i suppose...

at any rate Galahad released me earlier this year and needless to say i've managed to move on in spite of thoughts and feelings that sometimes draw me back to pre "woogie" days... i'll never lie and say that i don't miss Galahad because sadly i miss him more often than one should ever consider admitting to especially when it was under circumstances such as what was ours...

i think thats both the blessing and the curse of D/s...to give so completely, to belong in ways far deeper than most any could possibly realize...far more beautiful than the rarest of diamonds when it works, and an eternal hell for the living when it doesn't...

anyhows, i was speaking of Ghostie and of the reasons behind my standoffishness when we had first met...

one day shortly after Galahad released me i was in the Woogie Lounge as i like to call it, lil miss Vodka and i were jesting about and i had taken to going for the throat in a round about way...see, back then i really didn't know her, and i liked her far less...

Ghostie had spoken up to tell me to draw my lil claws in...which only infuriated me all the more as i had no idea that #1 he was paying the slightest bit of attention to me or #2 that he would correct me in front of all the other woogies and of course the worst of all humilations for me wasnt so much the correction itself (which had been awful enough i assure you) buttttt...it was a correction that had come from one of Galahads mates...

i crumbled...

i am all but certain niether Ghostie nor i could have anticipated the effect his words had on me that day, but one thing for certain, Ghostie wished to discuss the incident further after i had settled down a bit...

we talked for hours...and more hours...and even more...

he slowly began to understand "me" and i gradually drew closer to him until one day much much later in time i had come to the realization that i was giving more of myself again, i was feeling alive again, trusting in someone again, believing in me again...loving again...

in the D/s community i've had alot of Masters to say to me that i have been ruined... i had once thought to believe that perhaps they are right... now i'm not so sure...

Galahad owned me completely...and mayybe we truly were meant to be soulmates and all that goobly guck i care not to remember now for the pain that it has caused...

but i know this now... i cannnnn give somebody my heart, because i've placed it in Ghosties hands...i cannnnnn give someone my body, because i've placed it in someones hands too...

what i ponder now is if i can give to someone my soul...or if my soul is still resting somewhere along the path of the beginning of the road...

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