Saturday, June 07, 2003





~*The Deeper thoughts*~

i almost choked today when my dear friend lil miss Vodka said to me that i always seemed to come off as friendly and happy... suppose all those years of acting musta paid off eh?

its been 18 years now since i took those three bottles of theophyline..they were my maternals, and i was too stupid to realize they werent sleeping pills, hence i had noooooo idea they would speed my lil heart so fast to cause me to have a heart attack at the age of 18...instead of waiting it out a lil bit longer...and i only needed just that lil bits longer...i got scared and woke the maternal from hell, showed her the three empty bottles and told what i had done...

i had only needed just those few minutes longer...

by the time paramedics arrived on the scene i was out cold, and by the time i arrived at the hospital i had been D.O.A 2 minutes and counting... i'd spent a week in CCU, another 2 or 3 in ICU, and all total of 3 months lying restrained in a hospital bed at UCI before i was well enough to travel, and move farrrrrr away from the hell that had unearthed itself in my Southern California home...

i moved to the far side of the states, into a tiny hole in the wall town much like the one i am in now...and thats where i ended up meeting the lilones father.

the sad truth of it all is that i was never "in love" with him, but he was pleasant enough, and kind to me, and gawds knows i was ready for a change... we married within the year... had two loverly lilones...and on our 5th wedding anniversary he came home from a three day stint out on the town somewhere, and attempted to take the life i had failed so miserably to have taken years before...

To this day i am not sure why it was he tried to strangle me that night, as he had nevvvver once laid a hand on me in the past...and gawds knows there were times when my behaviors were just begging a knockin down in size i'm sure...all i can possibly think is drugs or alcohol had somehow entered the equation that night, but one thing i remember...i was stickin around to find out what happens next...

His best friend, happened to be a mechanic, sold me a car the next day for price of a "legal sale"... literally, $5.00....said to me "it aint much hun, but it will get ya to California safely" and he was right...

Theres been many a hardship since then, a single mum with two lilones one of which is disabled, but truth being told, i'd never thought i would ever feel as i did that night i took those bottles of pills...

until 4 months ago that is...

and 4 months ago i resented everything life had to offer, i resented being stuck here in the states, i resented having a lilone for which i was punished by the laws that govern our economic system and our medical care, i resented how politics could play into happiness down to what seemed the very core of my existance...at the time...

i had accepted that for a brief time i had found what surely must be known as a true love, for which no other would compare...i gave myself completely to it, surrendered all that i was...and lost...

when he told me he would marry another, only weeks after having ended our engagement, i hung up the phone and willed for the heavens to end my existance then and there...

i searched even harder to find the lilones father then, certain that #1 i couldnt possibly carry on in their endeavors of life when i was so completely out of control of my own, and #2 i was even more certain that my own life was no place for two lil girls to be a part or even a fraction of when it consisted of all those things for which their mother seemed to have fallen into the place of being...

they deserved better than this...

three weeks later they would see their father for the first time in 11 years...and promises would be made...

today is simply the aftermath...and my heart is filled with sadness...as i watch two lovely lil girls cry themselves to sleep...

i'm not the girl i was 18 years ago, or even 4 months ago... but i'm also not always so "friendly and happy" ...the thoughts run deep, the fears run deeper... and the only thing i am truly thankful for today, is friends likes lil miss Vodka, and Ghostie...who gawds bless em...were both "there" for me today

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